It has taken me great courage and effort to create this musical. Please support by donating.
0 Comments
I have started this project Reflect. Reveal. Reach Out. Recover. some time ago and now it has reached the final stage - book launch, which will be held on Sunday November 26 2017 at Hobson Room of Parnell Community Centre (545 Parnell Road, Parnell, Auckland). This poetry book comprises work of fourteen artists. Poems are written against paintings applying the occupational therapy. If you are in Auckland, New Zealand do come and join us on Sunday 26, 2017.
The poetry book is now on sale at NZ$20.00, 40% of which goes to Toi Ora Live Arts Trust. You can buy it via email: [email protected] or at Toi Ora, 6 Putiki Street, Grey Lynn, Auckland 1021. I've lived in my shadow long enough to lose me. When the silent evening creeps on me in times of madness, the crazy wind is enough to blow me off. The rising sun will come when shadows are absent.
What effect has this International Women Day on all women? Some will wish female friends well on this day and to me it opens a page on women of today. Now women have a chance to be on the top jobs in the private sector and also in government, but we pay for it with intelligence and hard work and still there is no equality between women and men. I can say that I am one of the lucky ones, my husband supports me by being a good house husband and I am allowed to pursue my career. There had been hot arguments when we hurt each other so much and we both suffered. Recently I've learned something, in an argument we should know when to stop, try not to say spiteful words to each other and don't carry anger for a long period. So far it works. I'm much happier. What does it matter for husband and wife to swap position when it works better that way? Why should man be head of the family as we are used to? No, no, no, see it as we are equal!
What I'm disclosing today might seem irresponsible on my part. I have hold out for so long, keeping quiet for so long just because I want to be considerate, to be responsible for what I say. I've once believed that somethings are best untold and buried as they might hurt someone, especially someone I love. But today seeing the smirk on the psychiatric nurse's (name withheld until necessary) face and a futile threat it has made things easy, so easy for me. No more conflict within me. A simple smirk on the face of that nurse and an irresponsible, futile threat just released me. She really made me laugh and I feel so good; but she is no where close to be on par with me. What kind of attitude is that – a smirk + a threat when she said that she's sure I'll be in hospital soon. Any sensible medical person who's got some wits or trained properly will know exactly that such an attitude is deadly towards her career. She could do that behind a patient's back, but in front? Ha! She didn't know what she's doing. She's vindictive, unethical, unprofessional just because I told the truth. I frankly told them that I do understand that the mental health zone is a dangerous zone which no one wants to meddle with and any wrong decision will be costly. I explained to them I understand perfectly and never wanted to endanger anyone's position. I also told them the struggle I'm going through had been a most difficult one for me because there was a conflict inside me – trying to be considerate, positive, and trying so hard to protect all other people. I gave me heart and I told the truth. I've realised as of today that I should protect myself first and when I am protected then do the 'saintly' thing. I should love myself first before I can love others! And with that little smirk I'm now released. Thank you for helping me out.
Well, when I tell the truth and no one listen, of course I get upset. When I was told by that nurse first time I saw her that they will increase my dosage of medication for unsustainable reasons after I've presented to them the real me, calm, clear minded and most important of all with organised and logical thoughts; instead they make assumption based on one consultation and some notes (very few I believe, one has to understand that they are very busy, they have so many cases on hand) and listen only to what they want to listen instead and unfortunately to my closest – my husband who is biased, then they decide that I'm on the verge of a relapse. I'm fully aware that they didn't have time to go through my old file so on the first consultation I tried to fill them with a bit of my history just to give them a picture of who I am, how many years I've taken to come to be the now me, what achievements I've made (not that I need any credit for those things) and most important of all why I contacted the crisis team. But they have so many patients to attend to and it's the crisis team and that's how they work (confirmed by my knowledgeable husband). But what disturbed me and still is that after I made it so clear that I am fully aware of my symptoms because I know them like the palm of my hand for having already four breakdowns and each time the same symptoms, the same vicious cycle. When I told them what are the symptoms and they agreed that yes those are the symptoms; but based on two consultation and a nurse who saw me once only and one who doesn't know much about mental health or ethics they insisted that I am a bit too talkative and getting more irritated then of course I'm going through a manic episode. They did not mention again the only symptom that they could think of which was of course fed to them by my beloved husband who told them in the exact words, “She thinks she can do anything.” There, there that's a serious symptom – grandiose thought. But I asked them why they thought that I had such symptoms, please quote an incident, an example: I am doing things all within my capability like helping out in the household work, playing with my grandson (and here I told them how happy I am because my daughter and son-in-law is trusting me with their son and they have helped me to slowly gain back my confidence which I have gained after stopping the medication, a confidence which means so much to me and so important to someone who was considered mentally ill was almost gone, disappeared), checking my emails, continued to help my students with problems of school project, browsing on facebook which I do whenever I have a free moment, keep writing, keep posting my thoughts but does anyone hear of any complaint about the psychiatrist or the nurses or irresponsible truth about my decision to stop taking my Bipolar medication? I was told, I did not consider that a threat before,it's just a warning but today I've found out that it was a threat – if I don't agree to increase my dosage I will end up in hospital SOON! They disregard the fact that I have a clear and well organised mind. When a patient is undergoing so much pressure and she can still be so positive and she is complying to what the psychiatrist decided after the first consultation – I'll be put on the most minimum dosage 2.5mg of Olanzapine. Yes I'll comply because I want my family to be at ease and not to worry about me. But there is a bottom line and I can't step over because once I step over I'll be turned into a doormat and I won't be able to stand up again. I've accepted a lot of things which I shouldn't have accepted because of what? Because I don't want my loved ones to get hurt and I've realised that I need harmony, especially in my family. If I'm just pretending in order to get my way, tell me how can I pretend for so long and be so consistent with my attitude. I don't hide that I'm shaking but think if anyone has any brains and see what turmoil it is within me they will understand. And when I explained to them that I'm just having an acute anxiety and I tell them why I'm burping so much, to the extent that I have to vomit the gas trapped in me, and that it may be also because of indigestion since I lost my appetite for several weeks and then it comes back and I tend to eat a bit more since I love eating. So I take action, apart from a big, healthy breakfast every morning I'll watch the amount I eat, not too much, and make sure I'm full but if I need it I'll have more meals instead. Then I was a bit irritated when they are not listening and I began to ask them questions all vital ones, for example have they thought of asking about my weight? I have lost 10lbs since the day I called and made arrangement to see a psychiatrist through the crisis team. But as of today I have gained back at least three lbs. Would that happen if I'm sick? Yes I was sick coughing, it's been more than a month now and I decided to see a doctor about it because it's getting serious, and I'm glad I insisted despite my husband not happy about it. Although the doctor did not prescribe any antibiotics and only honey even though the diagnosis is bronchitis. I was a bit worried the second night, was he doing the right thing? Have I put myself into the hands of a wrong doctor. Then I began to think positively, he has a vision, he believes in building my immunity, but it won't happen in a day or two. So patiently I wait and to my surprise my cough has eased a lot as of today. My husband loves his family very much, no dispute to that. But sometimes he makes me very angry. When that time I was coughing so badly that I told him I needed to go home and rest, what I got was a short, cold laugh; then I told him I couldn't eat, he said you had to be at the dining table; when I told him in the car that I just vomited before we left our daughter's house, he sarcastically said 'nothing special about it'; when we got home he screamed at me when I told him something's wrong with the dishwasher and I'm responsible for I've done something stupid and caused the breakdown of the machine. For God's sake I was too sick to argue and I just did the right thing and went to bed. You know what? when he came to bed I think he gave me a kiss, I don't know what's that for may be he has discovered that the machine is too old and it broke down that day, nothing to do with my being stupid. I was so hurt, it's very good to show his fatherly love but at my expense? I'm not a step mother, I love my daughter and her family immensely too and I know my priority, them first. So much so for that, I've never complained or mentioned this to anybody, until today I was forced to tell the psychiatrist and that nurse who didn't want to believe me but my husband because he confirmed that I had symptoms. I've realised the hard fact, everyone for herself or himself. He is a hard man, I've known that since our dating. I always appreciate him looking after me and I believe that he feels good about doing things, deciding things for me and he's so used to treating me as an invalid and suddenly I've decided I won't be an invalid and I'm showing him that which I have conviction about that he thinks he has lost something, as he has been saying that all the time, I want to be the boss now. I have no intention to be a boss it's just that I want to make my own decision sometimes when I believe that what I decide is right, at least good for myself, and I insist on that. I fully understand it is hard for him as he's been retired for so long now and I'm the only person he can boss around and sadly to say he's like a mouse in front of our daughter, yes a good father and a good husband but he's only slaving away when he feels that he's needed, doing anything physically to show his love. He's wrong, but he won't realise it and he doesn't see that I'm trying hard to influence him, to show him he's still a loving father and a loving husband and he does not have to slave himself to do things for us. I hate to have defamed him like this but I have no choice, I need to explain what's bothering me and what's making me so upset. And if the psychiatrist don't want to believe what I told her then I have to do something about it. I did not want to make a big stir but I have to afterall when need arises. I do need to protect myself and defend myself. I have softened each time thinking that my consistent behaviour speaks for me but very disappointingly I have to take this measure speaking up for myself and making it public because people just don't believe what's troubling me when I keep on being silent. I'm no saint or great or amazing, I do not like those compliments. I just want to be myself. I want support if anyone's feel like giving it. Even if I have to fight this battle all by myself I'm prepared. Yes, going back to my psychiatrist and the nurse. Oh they are concerned, they are worried about my sleeping and they don't want me to go into the hospital which will be a worry for my family. If she is a good psychiatrist she will understand if I don't get enough sleep because I'm high will I last this long? No, definitely not, I would have a breakdown already. But I don't like threats especially when they said if my daughter also agreed to my increasing of dosage because I've told them how important it is for my daughter and family be able to migrate with a restful mind which was why I complied. I've told them it has to be a very good reason but I know my rights and no one can force me to take medication or any treatment I don't agree to. I know my limits and I am sure those threats are bullshit. No matter how difficult it is to convince others, and I don't really have to, but what I've been doing is sound and I stick my guns to my belief. This is a free world and I won't be locked in a mental hospital when they do not have reason to put me under the Mental Health Act, not to mention that they have not found any substantial proof about me having any symptom. I mean they don't even dare to answer my question when I ask about the blood test result or mention it when last time I saw that nurse she said they're concerned about my having the blood test done as soon as possible because I've been off medication for so long. To my surprise this is the best blood test result I have since I can't even remember how long ago. They don't even dare to talk about it. May be I'm showing too much of my knowledge re mental health they are not comfortable and they just want to do their duty by going by the book, drug me, that's the safest thing for them to do. They didn't know that I've been posting on facebook and my blog and my website about my progress or may be they simply do not have enough expertise to give me a good diagnosis. Play safe that's all they are concerned, why stick their neck out for a patient? Quickly get rid of me, I'm a hot potato. Once again I urge those patients who are taking medication, don't just follow suit. I have been built up by a lot of people and a lot of things over a long, long period. My insight to my illness and my confidence do not, I stress do not just come in a short time. The whole reason about my taking the risk is that I do not have a choice or may be I was wrong but I didn't have a better one. My plan was just to see how it goes and I was going to seek expert advice at the right time which I did but things don't just work out easily. So under the circumstances I call the crisis team. I thought psychiatrists are to help people whether it's my first consultation and if I tell them the truth and I'm consistent with my behaviour they will understand. Of all medical profession I believe that it is more important that they know they are dealing with mental state of a human being who are complex and they cannot just make judgement without first finding out the background or try to understand. One important fact is that they never bothered to find out what good I've discovered and what emboldened me to stop the medication. To mention just a few, my heartburnt disappeared the day I stopped medication, my balance was amazingly good when I cut down on Epilem – from 10 mls to 7.5mls – (may be because stopping the medication does 40% or 50% of the job and the rest is due my being more confident of myself), the itchiness around the vagina has gone, for a while there have been no more leg cramps except for two nights when I coughed like I'm going to die and I tried to relax by reading and then I felt like sleeping (I was yawning and there was the urge to sleep) I was woken by leg cramps and coughing but the leg cramps seem to have stopped after I got better with the coughs. Well, we are particularly of the emotional ones and they need to address that, they cannot just give us drugs without any understanding. If someone is not strong enough especially if they are in a vulnerable state such a mishap can destroy the patient. I have no intention to jeopardise anyone's livelihood, I have been extremely patient but things work out differently and I do need to protect myself, I should be excused for my selfishness. I hope I can do research on stigmatisation and discrimination and on medication which can help patients and if there is any other way that can help apart from medication. It sounds like who do I think I am, with that bit of knowledge and I can arouse concern and consensus. But I'm prepared to try. If one shys away and stop at any obstacle which seems to be in their way of achieving their dreams, what are dreams for? How can we tell our children, teenagers that dreams are important, setting goals are important, because these are their motivation no matter how big their goal is or how little it can be, motivation is important. One last important thing is that my family has been very supportive even my husband whom I defamed earlier. He took up all the cooking when I told him that I need a rest to recuperate from overwhelmed emotions. So don't get me wrong that he does not love me, it may be his way of showing love. But I don't want to be a cripple and he has to keep me from falling whenever he felt my sudden drifting involuntarily to the right or left by holding my hand each time we go out. Holding hands are a show of love and not a way to help a cripple. Oh dear, it's past 1a.m., I should be sleeping. But getting this stuff out of my system has really relieved me and may be I don't need a sleep pill tonight. Good night! 用回響不用回應是因為我沒作甚麼研究，我只想利用我的經歷來協助一些受精神困擾的人渡過難關。
我自已身為一個中國女人而年青時巳發現患上 bipolar disorder, 雖然家人沒阻止我去接受冶療, 也一直在醫理；但大家都介懷別人的看法, 所以盡可能把它隱藏, 我也不例外。精神病嗎！很〝得人驚〞！我害別人的恥笑，失去朋友。我曾向人撤謊說我的大手術用了很多錢，盡管炫耀自已住私家醫院。有些親戚還說我的命是錢撿回來的。我真幼稚。我不承認這是因我自殺的後果。就因為不承認(not acknowledging) 我從來沒徹底的復完。 我的症狀是先太過興奮 (manic episode)，然後恐慌 (paranoid) ，跟著長期沮喪 (depression) 。但對自已病情一竅不通。有病嗎？藥到病除。這也是對的。但只靠葯我只能把病控制。但壓力來時又再病發。我這不是說葯沒用，它可助我控制情緒然後慢慢好起來。我的復完〈真可笑因我現在 under crisis team but not for long, I can assure you this〉不只是全靠葯物。這十年多我很努力去增值自已，去認識自已。就因這樣我找回自信 (self-confidence) ，這是無比的力量，自專。我每天都在學習每天在進步。這是我復完最有效的支柱！ 因為有了知識我把我的惡性循還 (vicious cycle) 破了，我的恐慌隨而徹底消失。我開始建立我的事業，恢復我的興趣 (passion) ，還找到新的passion。每天都生活著實、開心。但若我不去找尋幫助只管轉牛角尖，我可會有今天？所以在此勸告那些有精神困擾的而怎麼也揮不去，這是時候去找專家協助，去疏導你。讓他／她們來協助你／妳。精神症不是羞恥，阻檔你的時。這些過時的壞思想 (taboo) 應拼除。不雲讓你美好的將來摧毀。 這是一個過來人的充心語！希望能供一個正面的啟示！謝謝！ Ps 你可上黃世和醫生的網頁，那裏提供了很多有關的資料, 祝早日康復。 There are things, so many, I want to say; there are so many things need to be explained, but not yet, even though people who concern about me may be worried.
But there is a right time for everything, and it's critical to pick the right time. I do things for those I love but do these because I love them and not because I 'sacrifice' for them. Love is a much greater and stronger motivation. But of course there are limitations and you need to make your rules. And don't step over the baseline. Do not pretend you can do things that you can't, a lot of reasons behind. I have learned to show people if I want respect or recognition but not by bragging. I earn respect and love by acting on things I believe in and not by words only. There are things that may be better unsaid or burried because it may hurt someone or make them worry for nothing. I consider consequences and I should be responsible for what I said or do. Staying calm amid this draining of physical energy because of this bloody cough isn't easy but I know things will become better and I will be feeling great and well again.
I have not study on this, but I would like to share my experience with those vulnerable ones and especailly the Chinese who suffer from this illness. I had my first breakdown in Sydney at the age of early twenties. Had four since then, one more in Sydney, one in Hong Kong and one here in New Zealand some twenty years ago. I experienced shame about my illness and was told not to mention it – most Chinese have the believe that it is not something honourable to even mention. I was lucky in the way that at least I was sent to psychiatrist and take medication. Stigmatisation is very scary. I even stigmatised myself. I remember I went to visit a friend who had returned to Hong Kong from Sydney to see her newborn baby. I love babies and holding them is always my desire. That friend knew what happened to me in Sydney but she never stigmatised or discriminate me and she's not afraid of me having experiences of mental health and she passed her baby to me to hold it. The problem is with me. I, happpily held the baby and walked out to the balcony – a thought struck me, did my friend had any apprenhension about letting me holding the baby and taking it out to the balcony? Would she be afriad that I could suddenly turned cracy and dropped her baby down onto the street? Quickly I took the baby and returned it to the mother. Is it because I didn't trust myself or will it really happen? Of course looking back it seems very silly to have such thoughts. But my culture (Chinese, I can only speak on my behalf as a Chinese) we were taught that mental illness is something not honourable and all these are due to the stigmatisation initiated by myself. Well I'll briefly describe my illness here. I was told afterwards that I was misdiagnosed as schizophrenic. Not knowing, not understanding nor did I bother to find out. Being crazy and did bizzare things meant you're mentally ill. Then the same vicious cycle repeated each time I had a breakdown – first in a manic eposide, believing that I was so rich and powerful because I brought peace to the world, then a period of paranoia when I believed that the Chinese communists are trying to persecute me and my loved ones, followed by a long period of depression until the next period of manic. Four times, with the same symptoms and each time no one spotted it, not the psychiatrist who I made regular visits or my family. Duefully I took my medication and accepted it all. I didn't know I had depression, I was quite ignorant then, I just thought losing all my interests and didn't feel like doing anything was because I was lazy. I was not aware of the symptoms leading to the crisis. Twenty years ago I migrated to Auckland with my family and was happily settled. We brought all our savings. I was very contented to be just a housewife and mother. I never had a career, I did work for some time but I had to give it up because of a breakdown. So leave it to the man of the family to bring home salary every month to keep the household running. Then after several trials it proved to be not working. My husband couldn't get a job. I was worried calculating how much money we had and how long it would last. Very stupidly and under my coercion we went into the property development business. With no experience in business, either of us, it failed badly and I had my breakdown again. But this time I'm on my own here with no concerned parents who have overprotected me all the time, especially when I had mental illness. They gave me anything, love of course, and any materail things I need when we couldn't afford. Here we faced any problems and we had to deal with it. And thank god I'm here otherwise it might be another unsolved issue believing that with medication I'm well and under control, and very likely that vicious cycle will creep up on me some other times. I had given a lot of trouble to my family, my husband and my daughter. Poor thing she was fourteen only and all the mad things I did had turned our family upside down. But no need to go into detail. What I want to say is that when I was given medication and my determination to get well helped me to be who and how I am now. Dr Sai Wong has been very helpful, he was my psychiatrist. The psychiatric nurse did the best thing for me when she introduced me to Toi Ora, an organisation where those who have experiences of mental health issues, there I did free courses – creative writing, dramma, art. After two years I decided to do some serious self actualization and I enrolled to do a BA degree at University of Aucland. It took me nine long years and it's been a struggle but I finally made it. I began to revive my passions and add a few more. Sometimes you never know a misfortune can turn into something so great for me – a blessing in disguise. If I did not have this breakdown here I would not have passions and to be able to carry them out. Of course my husband has been very supportive and has become the best house husband, looking after me, taking me to Uni, to places I want to go. It's no point to go into detail here, this is meant to be in echo of Dr Sai Wong's study. We, I mean species of our kind with mental illness, are very vulnerable people. And Chinese traditional beliefs that we shouldn't talk about our illness or some very unfortunate ones they do not dare or even are allowed to see a psychiatrist, to seek help – of course there are many reasons, but one very usual among Chinese is that the vulnerable ones who can be the mother, a daughter or a son are living in the awe of a dominating male figure and when he said no to getting help because it is shameful and that they show weakness by doing that. I actually had a young friend coming to me some years ago with his girlfriend who's suffering from some sort of depression to seek advice. Her father would not let her to seek help. Everyone should be hush hush about it. This is just one example and I'm sharing this with all of the readers that an illness like this, well actually all kind of illness, need to be addressed. Why on earth you go to see a doctor when you have diabetics or the scary of all cancer? Why you can be open with these diseases and not mental health? Mental illness is worse than caner. It grows on you and you suffered and one disastrous end product is having suicidal thoughts and deciding to do it when you feel you have no other ways. I've joined in working to fight stigmatisation and discrimination for a while and I have done very little on it for a while now. But I feel the need to write about it now when my son-in-law told me two nights ago about Dr Wong's study. I did try to kill myself with the third breakdown and I was so lucky to be saved and live till now. I'm living a fulfilled life and I'm proud of myself for all the years of struggle which has paid off. There are many ways to help when you're in a desperate position. First thing first go to seek help. You may think your mind is troubled and you do not how to handle it. You do not know how to distangle all the problems held inside you. A good councellor, a good psychiatrist can help you with that. Of course you have to stay strong and actually do something to help yourself. As agreed by most psychiatrists medication can help you may be 30% or 40% but your own effort counts a lot. Mothers who have children who suffer from this kind of disease and even you all are living in the awe of the dominate figure, mostly a male one, stand up and make some decisions on your own. I'm not trying to ask you to start a revolution at home, but sometimes if you know something's right you have to stick to your belief especially it's so important to your loved ones who are sick. You can ask for help, for example a trusted friend, and be brave and start doing something. It's not going to be easy but speak up and act for the sake of your loved ones. Here I'd like to make some suggestions. How can I break my vicious cyle? It's mostly knowledge, I learn more about my illness and the knowledge took away my paranoia. I'm aware of it and have acknowledged it. Now I can criticise on the Chinese government, the Americans and put my thoughts on my blog and website. I've once admitted that I'm not brave because I can speak out my mind now on issues I haven't got the guts to but I'm brave in admitting that I have bipolar risking that people may sneer at me or look at me differently. But so far by being open about my illness I only get positive results. Knowledge, education is of utmost importance to help and arm those who never bothered to think that these things do benefit everyone. To close this article I wish the government may help in running courses to educate these vulnerable ones, change their age old taboo beliefs and arm them with strength to fight the illness. Thanks for reading. While in Hong Kong, on the 4th July 2016 I was meeting a friend in IFC one, Central. I was more than half an hour early so I loitered around. I discovered this little counter selling Atelier Cologne. The weather outside was extremely hot and may be a smell of cologne would be refreshing. There were bottles of cologne with testing papers by one end of the counter. I was thinking of testing the smell of these cologne when the sales lady at once came to my assistance. She skilfully introduced me to several different kinds of cologne and a casual chat started. One knowledge we both agreed being a good sales person is to have confidence in the product one is selling. She patiently put forth her different kinds of products. I thought I should write this out and post it on my blog but I was cautious not to ask her to have a photo taken with me or even ask her name as fraudulent cases happens all the time in Hong Kong and she might feel uncomfortable doing that or even suspect my intention. I simply told her I would write about our encounter to praise her for her salesmanship. Gladly she gave me two samples of the cologne and as promised I am putting this on my bog and website.
|
AuthorWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. Archives
July 2019
Categories |
RSS Feed
Photo from Ross Brimble
