有一趟我看見一個小孩和他的父親及哥哥、弟弟一起往踏自行車。父親在照顧弟弟,他在弄他的自行車。他那小身體突然被翻下來的自行車壓著。我不其然叫了一聲,正想上前幫他一把。他的父親一些也不緊張,只畧把他扶持,然後大家離去。我跟丈夫說這位外籍人士有點不甚禮貌,雖對我的幫忙全不需要也不應這樣的冷淡。我的丈夫解譯說,他工正在訓練他孩子的獨立性及應付能力而我這樣做他當然不欣賞。我覺得對,我們也應向這外籍父親學習,不要太溺愛我們小的。
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工作累了。走到花園裏,躺在爸爸送的木椅,望向天。雲像水墨,很慢、很慢地化開-煞是好看。清風陣陣吹來,蓋上眼睛作小休。不消十分鐘,累氣、熱氣全消。大自然的享受真是無與倫比。
Light and delightful the music goes. Children are dancing. Some are wearing rags; most of them are on bare feet. But they are happy. The music is gaining momentum, the children are laughing loudly as they move. They have stopped to gain their breath. They forget their empty stomach; they forget bad memories. Music gives them joy.
The music is back on. The children are on their feet again. This time they start to dance in a circle. The circle comes together; the circle spreads out—in and out, in and out. They are in unison, they are linked. Hey! Can we adults be like them, in unison and link together? This is a time of globalization, we should be co-operating in harmony and not fighting till we hurt and kill each other. We should learn from these children, learn to co-exist, learn to learn from one another, learn to help each other; the world will then be one, linked together in one huge circle. Light and delightful the music goes. Smoothly the music ends. (This is written with the inspiration of the Beethoven's music) These days I have been bothered by problems which brings about depression, not serious ones, but I was like riding a roller coaster, one moment I could be happy and the next I could be depressed. All these minor depressions were connected with people I love most who are hurting me in different ways. Luckily they don't constantly do that. It's just that I feel unhappy when they do. C'mon who don't have unhappy moments, even though I've been saying that I'm happy everyday. The moment I get out of being depressed I'm happy again; although lately the unhappy moments come a bit too often. Fortunately now I know how to deal with these situations. I sulk, everyone is allowed to sulk when they are not happy, at least until my anger is gone; I listen to music, I sing along and I move my feet and snap my fingers according to the beat; or I watch something funny, friends always have comical video clips forwarding to friends; or talk to someone, close like a husband or a good friend and they may revive something funny that had happened in the past and then laugh, laugh loud and enjoy that laugh. All these will take the depression off me. Try it and I hope you'll lose whatever depression you are having!
Adagio G Minor
The moon disappears. There are no stars. Everywhere is pitched dark, but there is light in one house. It is a huge and beautiful house. There is light in its hall. Music, soft and beautiful music, is playing inside. Looking through the window one can see a lovely picture—a mother and her two daughters. They are singing and dancing. Gently the mother takes her daughters into her bosom after the dancing. Their father is away, away in the faraway land, fighting a war that is not his. He is conscripted by the government. His family misses him. The evening is the hardest time to pass by. So every evening the mother spends time with her daughters, trying not to worry, distract their minds from whatever atrocity which may happen to their loved one out there, out there in the unknown. They may receive news, bad news from afar. People call the soldiers who die in the war, war heroes; but the mother does not want a war hero, she only wants a husband and a father to her children. Any time bad news can come and there will be no beautiful picture. A Fulfilment in Life Ha! I had made it! After nine years of struggling I finally made it at the age of fifty-seven—graduating at the University of Auckland and got myself a Bachelor of Art degree. At the day of capping my sister came all the way from Alberta to watch the ceremony. I prepared a “cheung sam” and matching heels for that occasion. I thought the weather would be warm and so I prepared a summer gear. However, just two days before the ceremony it rained cats and dogs and the temperature dropped two to three degrees. I finally ended wearing a turtle neck pull over, corduroy jeans, leather jacket and sneakers. My husband actually counted how many graduands wore sneakers—there were six only. I felt warm and relaxed and comfortable in my attire. The procession from the university to the Aeota centre, where the capping took place, was a memorable one. Nobody cared about the drizzle, at least I didn’t. People cheered on both sides of the street all the way, hugging their friends and relatives, putting lays onto them and screaming with joy. I laughed. What a wonderful sight. It was like the procession in the city after Sir Peter Blake and Team New Zealand won the American Cup—only I was among the cheerers then. I held my head up and walked so confidently. Our procession was welcomed by a brass band when we reached Aeota Centre, I felt so important. That night my daughter treated us to a superb dinner and I was made the star of that night! Many friends had wondered what I was doing at this time of life when many would be thinking about retiring and enjoying life. More so, when I was having the treatment of Hepatitis C. Would a mother and housewife for so many years make it to graduation? Wasn’t housework enough to keep me busy? I had always wanted to get a university degree; even as early as when I was doing primary school in Hong Kong. Unfortunately, I did not work hard enough at school; and then later, when I had a chance to further my studies I blew it because I was sick—mental illness to be exact. My story is full of hardship, tears, love, support, perseverance, despair, success, happiness… Being diagnosed as schizophrenia and later bipolar is nothing easy for me. The horrible side effects of medication for schizophrenia followed me since I was in my early twenties. When they came I was so scared. I could not do anything, not even have the confidence of crossing the road; nor could I have the bravery to think freely. I was afraid that those most inner thoughts would be disclosed even though no one would force me to. What is the most dangerous idea harbouring in a mentally ill’s mind when they are depressed? You’ve guessed it, suicide. I tried it once and luckily I was saved. I had four breakdowns—twice in Sydney, once in Hong Kong and the last one here in Auckland. Why I said this is the last one? Because I did something different this time. I helped myself to get well, of course I also have the help of psychiatrists and the medication they prescribe—I am one of those who believe in medicine. I cannot just ignore the years of studying and training the professionals have gone through. But honestly I do not believe medication and counselling alone could lead me to recovery. I do not need to describe how being “mad” had affected my family. I ran away three times. My husband and daughter searched for me in hotels, motels, bus station and airport. I was ripped off by a cunning jeweller when I sold my diamond to get money to run away to Wellington. I ended up in jail for trespassing. Do you think my husband still had the patience with me? Definitely not; and I can’t blame him. I had lost the love and respect from my husband and daughter (or so I thought). I was like a puddle of mud on the ground. But! I am a stubborn person and I thought I should not give up without a fight. A psychiatric nurse suggested that I should go to Toi Ora, a place where those have experiences of mental illness can take courses free. So, I pulled myself together and took creative writing, music, art and drama courses. I liked them. I gained back my confidence, self-esteem and integrity. Then I thought it was time I should do some serious studying. This was the beginning of the long journey to recovery and getting a degree. Besides English, I chose psychology as my minor and the subject totally killed me. Imagine a woman in her late forties and fifties who had bad memory, lost the skill and technique of studying, trying to learn, understand and remember something like hormones, cells, neurons, ADHD, autism… You’d probably understand why I failed a psych paper even though I worked very hard. It was the Learning and Behaviour Paper. I failed by three or four marks(cannot remember exactly how many). Some of my classmates suggested that I should ask the lecturer to may be let me pass. The suggestion was just too tempting and I went. But he refused me straight away. When I asked him what I should do because I honestly did my best. He said, “Do it again”. At that moment I could no longer hold back the tears of despair, sadness, helplessness; I was at a lost and began to cry in front of him. He just kept silent. I hated myself for showing my weakness to him. It was a most difficult journey, but getting the degree is an important milestone in my life and a dream come true. This has helped me to recover from mental illness because I have found meaning in life; and my relationships with my family have improved greatly. Now I am engaged with voluntary work. I go back to Toi Ora for painting and poetry classes. To compose music is something I love. Regular exercise keeps me young and healthy. And writing is my chief passion. Tell me if you think that my life is unfulfilled. I wish I have more time to attend to the things I am passionate about. I can proudly declare I am a happy person! We use language to express, to mirror what's on our minds. When we turn our ideas into publication we leave a legacy. These legacies can be in different forms, with millions of intentions. They don't have to be all true--like fictions. They can store information--historical, political, instructional etc.--something which should not be false. The spine of writings lies strongly in what we wish to deliver, what we wish to air and what we have no fear of exposing. Be true to oneself when one is writing.
Up in the Peak, we drove through thick mist. We could hardly see what was beyond a few feet ahead of us. We were like traveling in heaven and touching clouds. I imagined the mist smelled with a scent of white roses. It must have a taste of fullness whatever that taste be. Inside my mind was a sound of breaking through wind as we entered into the mist. The sight was a total beauty.
We do not need a jet plane or an expensive yacht to give us an enjoyable lifestyle and most important of all a healthy one. Every endeavour we make at the office, at home, while travelling can contribute to a good and healthy lifestyle. What does good and healthy lifestyle encompass? In a lot of aspects: food, comfortable living, apparel, travel, exercise, environment…
It is important to have a balanced diet to give your body an all round necessity so don’t indulge yourself in a small choice. Working in the office can be stressful. When you feel the pressure you need to do something to release the stress. Do some stretching exercises whenever you feel tired. They won’t take up a lot of your time. I suggest you do that after sitting and working at your desk for more than an hour or whenever you have time. Apparel should be comfortable and that includes your shoes. Read magazines to give you an idea of what is in fashion and work around that according to your body. Travel is good for everybody. Apart from the fun, it educates, it brings a family closer together, it relaxes a stressed out body and mind. A comfortable home champions in a good and healthy lifestyle. Generally, we spend most of our time at home. It is our sanctuary, it is our castle. We work hard in order that we can afford a better living, so make sure we have an enjoyable and healthy lifestyle. language is mist
sometimes not clear sometimes like trances inside the head language is cloud it floats it’s abundant it’s beautiful in different shapes language is sky the only limit that no one will deny |
AuthorWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. Archives
July 2019
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